Here’s a cute read from Jamie Chisholm of Barstool Sports:

Jack Bauer’s bag terrifies me. Since the newest season of 24 kicked off, Jack has unleashed his typical level of death and maiming, often armed with only his over-the-shoulder messenger bag. The bag never leaves his side. In fact, if the mystery of Jack’s bag was a logic question on the LSAT’s it would go something like this: Jack Bauer’s bag never leaves his side. Jack Bauer kills people. Therefore, Jack Bauer’s bag kills people.But what exactly is in Jack’s bag? That mysterious bag has enabled Jack to single-handedly throttle the plans of an international terrorist organization with seemingly unlimited resources and manpower. After countless hours of research, I have unraveled the mystery of what Jack keeps in his jaunty over-the-shoulder number that enables him to fight a one man battle against global terrorism. Here is the invoice from Jack’s bag:

Three vials of sodium pentothal
Copy of CTU Distress Codes (2004 Edition)
Three Cruise missiles
Four pairs of flexicuffs
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War
Medieval Iron Maiden
Pair of pearl-handled Colt revolvers
Habib Marwan’s heart
Sunglasses
Cell phone and PDA chargers
Band-Aids
Swiss Army knife
Box of Powerbars
Two Fruit Punch Gatorades
Change of underwear
Schematics of every building in Los Angeles
Two claymore anti-personal mines
Driver’s License, Helicopter Pilot’s License, Airplane Pilot’s License, SCUBA certification card, CPR certification card
Bamboo shoots (for torture)
Three pints of type sensitive blood
iPod
Kim’s senior portrait from high school
Approximately 17,000 9mm bullets
Flare gun
Night vision goggles
Centrum A-Zinc vitamins
Arab-English dictionary, Spanish-English dictionary, Farsi-English dictionary, Russian-English dictionary
Hit List
Picture of him and Tony Almeida performing “Love Is a Battlefield” at CTU: Los Angeles’ Annual Karaoke Christmas Party
Business Cards
Pepper Spray
AK-47
Altoids
Gas Mask
EpiPen
Ticket for year long vacation, flight leaves tomorrow at 8:30 AM