There are many things I would like to say, but tact, or fear or logic prevents. And although the slightly-defective conscience of mine sometimes loses the fight, it generally serves to sensor my true feelings on many occasions. Oh, so many.

The character of Clayton L. (whom I take to be fictional) as illustrated by writer JEFFREY YAMAGUCHI, has similar battles with an inner censorship committee and (to prevent sudden human explosion, I guess) he has documented the true words of reply that spring into his mind when a mass email finds its way into his inbox. Half comic, half tragic, “Deleted Lines From My Replies to Mass Mailings” stirs a mirror reaction in many who have been on the “to:” end of social spam.

To: Company All
From: Bob Smith
Subject: Wish you all well, and good luck!

Today is my last day here. I’m off to a new job and new adventures. Before I leave, I just wanted to say it was great working with all of you. I learned so much during my time here, and I have all of you to thank. Thanks so much. Keep going after it, and keep on winning, team!

Best regards,

Bob

To: Bob Smith
From: Clayton L.
Subject: RE: Wish you all well, and good luck!

Dear Bob,

Good luck with your new job. We’re really going to miss you around here.

For example, I’m going to miss how after you worked out during your lunch hour, your BO stunk up the entire office. How you always came by my office asking, “Did I leave my coffee in here?”, even though we hadn’t spoken in days. How you always made comments about the hottie you saw while getting lunch, explaining to us in dramatic fashion how you stayed out of trouble by telling yourself: “Take it easy there Bob, you’re married now.” Sure Bob. You just keep on taking it easy.

Sincerely,

Clayton L.

To read the rest of the collected story, check it out here.