Sixth & Elm’s TBL Draft Your Friends Scouting Report
Okay, following my post about the TBL Draft Your Friends Challenge, here is my official scouting report, in no particular order. Oh, and please remember that I don’t actually know anything about baseball, so if I start making up positions and stuff, just let me go with it.
Adam Finley – Of course he has to be on my team. Who else will keep the locker room clean? I think Adam should be that guy in the batting order that gets stuff done. I forget if that is usually third, I think, or second? Whatever – he’s the guy you depend on because he does his job and does it well, no matter the stress. As for a field position, um… something where he can stay in the dugout, like a DH or something (do they still have those?) because he’ll be tired from floor hockey and then he can stay out of the sun and redesign his web page for the 80th time while watching 24 on his Mac.
Tia Tremblay – I think Tia should play some sort of outfield – the one that never gets hit to…. is that left, or right? Can’t remember. Not because she can’t play, she’s surprisingly agile with a glove, but because then she could sit on the grass and get some paperwork done. She’s always got paperwork, for some reason. Maybe she could do the team taxes then too.
Mom – Um…Mom needs a position where she can bring you all snacks and give you hugs. Is there a hugs and snacks guy on a baseball team? Well, we need one, and she’s good for that.
Dad – If you can get him out of the sound booth, he’d be good anywhere because even if he wasn’t good at a position, he’d make up for it in enthusiasm. He could be the guy all the pitchers walk on purpose because he’s the only guy who wouldn’t get pissed off about that.
Colin Wallace – Well, I guess the obvious choice would be the team Athletic Therapist, but I’m pretty sure you don’t get drafted for that position. I’ll make him a shortstop because I think from that position he could successfully play all the out- and in-field positions by himself, which we may need, looking at the roster so far.
Emily Wallace – Emily, you can be…. I need a position for Emily where she has a foot in every bucket. Halfway between successful business woman and immature lunatic. She’s the only girl I know who could spend an hour laughing her ass off making dumb crank calls and then go prepare a cheese platter for everyone. I’ll make her the third base coach. Still a coach and in charge, but she’s out there on the field with the players in the thick of it inning after inning.
Sarah Zadorsky – She definitely gets to be a coach. She’s got a lot of practice with her own baseball team of Thomas, Hannah and Lydia. And Bill. And Dakota. But she needs to be the kind of coach that can sit down during the game because I’ll bet she’s tired.
Chuki-the-Cat Chickenhead – Chuki can’t play outfield because he is afraid of grass. He can’t play infield because he is afraid of infielders. I guess he could be the batboy, but I am pretty sure he’s afraid of bats too.
Ollie-the-Cat – I think Ollie would be best as the guy who sells hot dogs. He’d be the most unsuccessful hot dog salesman in baseball history, but he’d sure be happy.
Okay, I have way more coaches and staff than players. That’s okay, I guess, so do most major league teams.
Marisa Reis – Oooo…she’s our secret weapon. A tiny little pixie with more punch than a heavyweight. She’s a Frisbee shark, so I expect her to be much the same on a baseball field. She can play the other outfield (the one Tia isn’t playing) because then she can do lots of running and catching (like she does in Frisbee) but she’ll also have lots of room to dance around to the songs they play on the breaks.
Kristin Lippold – She’s another surprise up our sleeves. Kristen’s modeling career may launch her onto the pages of vogue any minute now, but only if the photo shoot won’t interfere with floor hockey play-offs. The tough-hitting powerhouse should play center field. Her long legs will get her to the ball every time and she isn’t afraid of breaking a nail on a fly ball.
Adam Smith – I think Adam shouldn’t be assigned an official position. He’s the guy that is just there, wherever you need him to be. A very capable athlete whose versatile skills will allow him to fill any gap in our roster. And he’ll smile for the cameras and bring a 24 to the after-game.
Aiden Kennedy – Another one who is there where you need him and the only player on the team to actually have any baseball experience beyond little league. He’s obviously the pitcher, but don’t let him throw left handed.
Christine Kennedy – Wait, are you changing your name? I didn’t ask. Christine can play anything. Just point her in the right direction and she give it her all, chatting with your Mom the whole time. And her smiles are Sports Illustrated Cover material.
Brett Dunn – Well, beyond being the team supplier of cell phones and toothpaste, Brett can play third base. Not for any athletic reason, although I know he can handle it after the DA, but because you know he’ll giggle every time he hears about someone getting to third base.
Brandon Moonsawmy – No question, team publicist. I don’t care if teams don’t draft publicists, he’s ours. And he can play first base in his spare time (closer to the camera, so he can get some last minute plugs in).
Evan Frith – Evan can be the catcher. He seems to get stuff thrown at him at lot and he’ll have patience if the pitcher forgets the signals. Plus, he’s the most diplomatic, so it’s best he’s right beside the umpire to argue our case.
Carly Thorne – Carly can play any position she wants, she’s that good. And she can be our official opposition heckler because she can dish it out, but ONLY if it is deserved, so she will keep us grounded and well behaved.
Brian Dewagner – Um. Is there a position Bri couldn’t play? I’ll put him on second base because then he’ll be closer to Colin and I know they want to see more of each other. He’’ll also be our home run guy (I don’t think that’s an official title in baseball, but Brian’s not that into official anyways) because he will appreciate how it feels to knock one over the green monster for the sheer sentimentality of it, and not because it will boost his stats.
June Partridge – June’s gymnast days make her perfect for the mascot, but that would put her considerable athletic skills to waste. June will coach our official farm T-ball team. An excellent instructor with both sports and Campasaurus experience makes her perfect for shaping up the little buggers for us.
Chris Weavers & Sue McKay – They will get drafted together and they both get to be catchers, along with Evan. Then they can wear funny cages on their FACE!
Andrew Cooper – Cooper would appreciate a position where he gets to stay in the shade so he won’t sweat. He’s athletic and can play any position, he just has this thing with sweat. If he can’t be in the shade, then he needs an outfield position where he can have room to strip-down and air-dry if he gets sweaty. Or, are there any positions he can play from the toilet? Coop likes to multi-task while completing his, uh, private task.
Michelle O’Keefe – Mitch is a fibre artist so after she designs the fabric for the costumes (I mean uniforms) she also needs something outfield so she can weave sheets of field-grass cloth during the breaks. And she’s athletic enough for the running and jumping and stuff an outfielder does.
Okay, that’s all for now. If you are an up-and coming baseball player (or just someone I know) please submit your credentials, along with what position you play to the team PR agent (me) so that the team general manager (me) can confer with the head coach (me) and make a decision regarding an invitation to the spring training camp.
Team name is yet to be determined, so please submit your suggestions to the team’s creative director (yeah… me).
Divining the Portents through Barley, Hops and Yeast
Adam’s beer can predict the future. And I don’t mean it makes him THINK he can predict the future, in the same way it makes him think he can dance. Apparently, the beer itself has the ability to predict, and even influence future events.
Or so he says. He came upon this startling revelation during Saturday night’s Leaf game against The Canadiens. During a routine perusal of the fridge contents he realized he had 13 bottles of Sleeman’s on the bottom shelf. He knew the game was about to start and that his beloved Leafs needed every ounce of superstitious luck that could be mustered.
He decided that having 13 beers was bad luck (don’t ask me to explain the logic behind this, I don’t know) so he had to drink it.Okay, so far, not too weird.The beer was finished and the empty bottle was placed on the coffee table. The leafs were doing well and Adam settled back, confident that he had done his part to ensure a Maple Leaf victory and a possible play-off slot.
Then he moved the beer off the coaster (not sure why) and that is where things went downhill. The Canadiens rallied back and then pulled ahead, to Adam’s horror. He was contemplating the cause of the turnaround when he realized that he had moved the empty beer bottle. He hastily restored it to its place on the coaster and held his breath, hoping the damage was not irreversible. It wasn’t. The Leafs came back, and eventually won the contest.
In Adam’s mind, this cemented the phenomenal capabilities of this mysterious 13th beer bottle. Since the Leafs were not in the play-offs yet (NY Islanders needed to lose the Sunday afternoon game to let the Leafs in) he absolutely forbade me to move the beer bottle for the rest of the regular season. So the bottle sat, like a trophy proclaiming future Leaf victory, on the coaster on the coffee table in the living room.
Unfortunately, it looks like the magic bottle had exhausted its powers to influence the Hockey Gods, for the Islanders won today against the NJ Devils, who were not playing to win this game as it had no bearing on their play-off future (or so Adam says, but I think a goal with 0.7 sec left, overtime AND a shootout shows evidence of a decent fight). Obviously, the Devils didn’t get the memo from corporate that Adam Finley’s happiness rested on them pounding the Islanders, and they dropped the ball, well puck, big time.
As for Adam, he still has faith in his bottle, even though he has finally allowed me to move it from the coaster. In his mind, the bottle CAN influence the universe, but it can only take it so far. I mean, after all, no one can make the Leafs play like the Senators.Yeah, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight for that comment.