Turkey Day

The latest etsybloggers blog carnival topic is “Thanksgiving Thoughts,” which is silly because we all know thanksgiving was a month ago. Wait, what? Americans celebrate thanksgiving in November? Why on earth would they do that? Everyone knows it is in October.

I guess it doesn’t really matter when you celebrate your turkey day, the scene is the same in houses across the continent, no matter when it is held. A frenzy of cooking, an occasional shout from the den as every male in the family cheers on the sports team on the TV (football in US, Hockey up here) and enough turkey, stuffing and wine to fill 100 people, despite the fact that you only invited 15.

I was born Chantelle Tremblay and although I am technically now a Finley, I still relish big family dinners and will always be a Tremblay on the holidays. My new husband Adam needed a little while to recover from his first experience of a Tremblay Holiday when he came to the first one 6 years ago as “the new boyfriend.” Poor guy just didn’t know what he was in for since his family dinners, while very nice, are generally a few hours shorter than ours and require considerably less energy. To help other unsuspecting future additions to our family or to help give you a glimpse of my life growing up, I prepared the following checklist for anyone who thinks they are ready to tackle a Tremblay Family Holiday.

1. Buy the biggest ham shank in North America. We don’t really do the turkey thing – french ham is our family holiday dinner, so you’ll have to get over the lack of poultry before we go any further..
2. Count your chairs. If you have more guests than chairs, gather up all the stools, boxes and blow-up exercise balls you can find in the house.
3. Count your forks. Again, if you have more guests than forks scrounge for anything remotely fork-like and use them for the kids table since they won’t mind eating with swizzle stick pitchforks.
4. Reconcile yourself to the fact that no matter how lavishly you decorate your table, everyone will still fight for seats at the kids table.
5. If dinner is scheduled to be served at 6, it will be served at 8. Just get used to it. It happens every year.
6. Rummage through the house for every bit of embarrassing paraphernalia you can find from your children’s childhood to bring out like Santa once all the guests are settled in the den. Macaroni picture of turkeys and stories of the first time your child tried to make you dinner will work, as well as pictures of them in goofy Halloween costumes. This step is even more essential if your children are bringing new boyfriends or girlfriends.
7. Forget the stereotypical football game and just flip to Hockey night in Canada for the men. It’ll save them having to change the channel from the football game you thought they’d watch to the hockey game.
8. If the Leafs happen to be playing the Senators, prepare for a long night.
9. Calculate the amount of wine needed and then add one bottle to that total – for Chantelle to spill on the carpet. If you have a white or cream coloured couch, add two bottles.
10. Buy the biggest pot known to mankind for the ham. Make everyone else move it around for you. Throw in a couple needless trips for the pot from the top of the stove to the counter and back just to make the men feel like they are helping.
11. Don’t let the men help, unless you are barbecuing thanksgiving dinner.
12. Put bells on the collars of all the cats or you’ll never find them again when it is time to leave. (Yes, we bring the cats – we all live indifferent cities) If you can’t find Jingle, look behind the DVD player.
13. You are required to serve all of the following for dessert: Pumpkin Pie, Apple Pie, Strawberry Rhubarb Pie, Coconut Cream Pie and Lemon Pie. We don’t really care what you give us for dinner, as long as there’s pie.
14. Practice your interrupting-people-in-the-middle-of-a-word skills or you’ll never get a word in edge-wise.
15. A game of Balderdash is traditional after dinner. A hint about the players: Tia’s entry will always have a culture in it (“An English sport,” “A Mexican resort,” and “An Egyptian photocopier” are all previous definitions she has used), Mom’s is the one that either has birds in it or sounds like a university professor wrote it. Dad’s is usually funny, and sometimes a bit gross. Chantelle’s answer doesn’t usually make sense until you read it about 8 times, Terry’s is always about an animal and Adam’s is the one that always needs clarification (but usually the one we always pick).
16. Make sure you have a lot of blankets because no one should drive after that much Balderdash.
17. Eat, drink & Be Merry. The number one rule is that even if you ignore all the rest of the checklist, just have fun being together and it will be a successful Tremblay Dinner no matter what else happens.

Sixth & Elm’s TBL Draft Your Friends Scouting Report

Okay, following my post about the TBL Draft Your Friends Challenge, here is my official scouting report, in no particular order. Oh, and please remember that I don’t actually know anything about baseball, so if I start making up positions and stuff, just let me go with it.

Adam Finley – Of course he has to be on my team. Who else will keep the locker room clean? I think Adam should be that guy in the batting order that gets stuff done. I forget if that is usually third, I think, or second? Whatever – he’s the guy you depend on because he does his job and does it well, no matter the stress. As for a field position, um… something where he can stay in the dugout, like a DH or something (do they still have those?) because he’ll be tired from floor hockey and then he can stay out of the sun and redesign his web page for the 80th time while watching 24 on his Mac.

Tia Tremblay – I think Tia should play some sort of outfield – the one that never gets hit to…. is that left, or right? Can’t remember. Not because she can’t play, she’s surprisingly agile with a glove, but because then she could sit on the grass and get some paperwork done. She’s always got paperwork, for some reason. Maybe she could do the team taxes then too.
Mom – Um…Mom needs a position where she can bring you all snacks and give you hugs. Is there a hugs and snacks guy on a baseball team? Well, we need one, and she’s good for that.

Dad – If you can get him out of the sound booth, he’d be good anywhere because even if he wasn’t good at a position, he’d make up for it in enthusiasm. He could be the guy all the pitchers walk on purpose because he’s the only guy who wouldn’t get pissed off about that.

Colin Wallace – Well, I guess the obvious choice would be the team Athletic Therapist, but I’m pretty sure you don’t get drafted for that position. I’ll make him a shortstop because I think from that position he could successfully play all the out- and in-field positions by himself, which we may need, looking at the roster so far.

Emily Wallace – Emily, you can be…. I need a position for Emily where she has a foot in every bucket. Halfway between successful business woman and immature lunatic. She’s the only girl I know who could spend an hour laughing her ass off making dumb crank calls and then go prepare a cheese platter for everyone. I’ll make her the third base coach. Still a coach and in charge, but she’s out there on the field with the players in the thick of it inning after inning.

Sarah Zadorsky – She definitely gets to be a coach. She’s got a lot of practice with her own baseball team of Thomas, Hannah and Lydia. And Bill. And Dakota. But she needs to be the kind of coach that can sit down during the game because I’ll bet she’s tired.

Chuki-the-Cat Chickenhead – Chuki can’t play outfield because he is afraid of grass. He can’t play infield because he is afraid of infielders. I guess he could be the batboy, but I am pretty sure he’s afraid of bats too.

Ollie-the-Cat – I think Ollie would be best as the guy who sells hot dogs. He’d be the most unsuccessful hot dog salesman in baseball history, but he’d sure be happy.

Okay, I have way more coaches and staff than players. That’s okay, I guess, so do most major league teams.

Marisa Reis – Oooo…she’s our secret weapon. A tiny little pixie with more punch than a heavyweight. She’s a Frisbee shark, so I expect her to be much the same on a baseball field. She can play the other outfield (the one Tia isn’t playing) because then she can do lots of running and catching (like she does in Frisbee) but she’ll also have lots of room to dance around to the songs they play on the breaks.

Kristin Lippold – She’s another surprise up our sleeves. Kristen’s modeling career may launch her onto the pages of vogue any minute now, but only if the photo shoot won’t interfere with floor hockey play-offs. The tough-hitting powerhouse should play center field. Her long legs will get her to the ball every time and she isn’t afraid of breaking a nail on a fly ball.

Adam Smith – I think Adam shouldn’t be assigned an official position. He’s the guy that is just there, wherever you need him to be. A very capable athlete whose versatile skills will allow him to fill any gap in our roster. And he’ll smile for the cameras and bring a 24 to the after-game.

Aiden Kennedy – Another one who is there where you need him and the only player on the team to actually have any baseball experience beyond little league. He’s obviously the pitcher, but don’t let him throw left handed.

Christine Kennedy – Wait, are you changing your name? I didn’t ask. Christine can play anything. Just point her in the right direction and she give it her all, chatting with your Mom the whole time. And her smiles are Sports Illustrated Cover material.

Brett Dunn – Well, beyond being the team supplier of cell phones and toothpaste, Brett can play third base. Not for any athletic reason, although I know he can handle it after the DA, but because you know he’ll giggle every time he hears about someone getting to third base.

Brandon Moonsawmy – No question, team publicist. I don’t care if teams don’t draft publicists, he’s ours. And he can play first base in his spare time (closer to the camera, so he can get some last minute plugs in).

Evan Frith – Evan can be the catcher. He seems to get stuff thrown at him at lot and he’ll have patience if the pitcher forgets the signals. Plus, he’s the most diplomatic, so it’s best he’s right beside the umpire to argue our case.

Carly Thorne – Carly can play any position she wants, she’s that good. And she can be our official opposition heckler because she can dish it out, but ONLY if it is deserved, so she will keep us grounded and well behaved.

Brian Dewagner – Um. Is there a position Bri couldn’t play? I’ll put him on second base because then he’ll be closer to Colin and I know they want to see more of each other. He’’ll also be our home run guy (I don’t think that’s an official title in baseball, but Brian’s not that into official anyways) because he will appreciate how it feels to knock one over the green monster for the sheer sentimentality of it, and not because it will boost his stats.

June Partridge – June’s gymnast days make her perfect for the mascot, but that would put her considerable athletic skills to waste. June will coach our official farm T-ball team. An excellent instructor with both sports and Campasaurus experience makes her perfect for shaping up the little buggers for us.

Chris Weavers & Sue McKay – They will get drafted together and they both get to be catchers, along with Evan. Then they can wear funny cages on their FACE!

Andrew Cooper – Cooper would appreciate a position where he gets to stay in the shade so he won’t sweat. He’s athletic and can play any position, he just has this thing with sweat. If he can’t be in the shade, then he needs an outfield position where he can have room to strip-down and air-dry if he gets sweaty. Or, are there any positions he can play from the toilet? Coop likes to multi-task while completing his, uh, private task.

Michelle O’Keefe – Mitch is a fibre artist so after she designs the fabric for the costumes (I mean uniforms) she also needs something outfield so she can weave sheets of field-grass cloth during the breaks. And she’s athletic enough for the running and jumping and stuff an outfielder does.

Okay, that’s all for now. If you are an up-and coming baseball player (or just someone I know) please submit your credentials, along with what position you play to the team PR agent (me) so that the team general manager (me) can confer with the head coach (me) and make a decision regarding an invitation to the spring training camp.

Team name is yet to be determined, so please submit your suggestions to the team’s creative director (yeah… me).

Haliburton Hook Line ‘n Sinkers Official Scouting Report

The guys at The Bleacher Life (well, okay, Brian at The Bleacher Life, but I like the plural references) have thrown down the gauntlet and opened the door for hypothetical sports leagues the world over. Not sure if there are that many hypothetical sports leagues in the world, but there is about to be at least one more.

Here’s the TBL Draft your friends challenge, in a nutshell:

1. Write down your friends.
2. Add some random acquaintances (the more eccentric, the better)
3. Analyse each for their baseball-like qualities and assign each an appropriate position on your own team.
4. Name your team and draft your friends!

This should be fun. Brian is an o-fish-al sports writer so his picks are all very logical and sound like real scouting reports. I haven’t had the attention span to watch a game since I was 9 and have no idea what everyone really does on a baseball team so mine will be considerably less ESPN-ish, but that’s okay. I don’t think we need credentials or a press pass for this draft. I’ll be posting my scouting report shortly, but in the meantime, check out Colin’s list. I have been scouted by the Haliburton Hook Line N’ Sinkers (pretty good considering I had to go look up how many players are in a batting line-up) and here was Colin’s official scouting report on me:

CHANTELLE FINLEY – Great with her hands, but grew up playing hockey and is used to that fast paced action and not the pace of a baseball game. An impatient hitter who has walked back to the dugout on a 2-0 count claiming she was bored that the pitcher hadn’t thrown anything in the strike zone yet. When the batting coach tried to explain the concept of a plate appearance to her she snapped. He is now just starting to chew his meals again. She may have temper issue, but like I said, she’s got good hands.

Hey, like I said to the press: that coach had it coming.